Book Review: Hunt, Gather, Parent

What we can learn about parenting from the oldest cultures in the world.

Recently, I finished a parenting book called Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans by Michaeleen Doucleff. As a soon-to-be new parent, I’ve been trying to sink my teeth into reasonable resources for raising a good kid, because I’m terrified of ending up with one of those mean, disruptive, tantrum-throwing-in-the-middle-of-Target kids. You know the ones.

Hunt, Gather, Parent dives into three different cultures around the world as the author (a journalist and mother to a rowdy, spoiled three-year-old) seeks to uncover what it is that makes children in some cultures so considerate, helpful, and responsible. She visits Maya families in Mexico, Inuit families above the Arctic Circle, and Hadzabe families in Tanzania, where she learns ancient parenting strategies.

Along the way, she realizes that the West has overcomplicated parenting, with many overbearing techniques that only reinforce the behaviors we seek to make disappear. Maybe it’s our tendency to lose our patience and tempers quickly. Maybe it’s our reliance on social media and technology that tear us from the present moment, so we can’t observe what’s going on around us. Whatever the case, Western society is losing the parenting battle to an army of ruthless, bratty, iPad-wielding toddlers.

What We’re Doing Wrong

There are toys everywhere, an obsession with learning, and a ceaseless shower of praise. We organize, we compartmentalize, and we plan, plan, plan. Everything seems to trace back to our desire for productivity and efficiency, which we try to bring into our children’s lives as soon as they enter the world with feeding schedules, sleep schedules, and nonstop milestones. If our child isn’t growing or learning things at a certain rate, we feel like they’re “behind”.

The children that Doucleff observes in the three different cultures are helpful, kind, responsible, and calm. They often do chores without being told, help their younger siblings, and think of their family even when they’re out doing their own thing. It’s a common theme in cultures where “it takes a village to raise a child” is the mentality.

This is because kids in these cultures have a lot less handholding and supervision, have more responsibilities given to them at an earlier age, and are allowed to grow and learn at the rate at which they’re comfortable. They aren’t forced into doing things they don’t want. Without shouting or constant commands, they’re also more connected to their families and are less likely to rebel.

What I’ve Learned

Toddlers are born assistants.

They love to help and feel like they’re contributing to the family, and they can tell the difference when they’re given a “fake” task (like fake food). No matter how small the task, it’s important to get them involved as early as possible so that they learn to help.

Keep it light and calm.

Yelling is definitely one of my initial reactions, but I have to work on controlling that unless I want a mini version of myself yelling back at me. Children mirror your energy, and whatever you model for them is what they mimic. Actions speak much louder than words, and brushing off or ignoring their bad behavior is much more effective than shouting.

Kids are not just “pushing your buttons”.

I could see this happening as they get older, but babies and toddlers usually just don’t know how to control their emotions yet, and we take their actions personally and interpret them as personal attacks that require punishment. Getting upset with them for hitting you or screaming is like getting upset with them for not knowing math. They simply haven’t learned it yet.

You don’t have to go it alone.

In our nuclear-family style of parenting, many parents feel like they have to do everything alone and often feel burned out. In community-style cultures, sometimes a dozen people or more are involved in the rearing of a child. The result is a child that is loved and well socialized, and you have some of your sanity back.

Use stories.

Humans are storytellers at heart, and children learn better from a story than a constant stream of commands. Use stories to help your child understand danger, teach valuable lessons, or connect with them by sharing your own childhood experiences.

Get out of the way.

We feel the need to constantly be there and make sure our kids don’t get hurt, and while there’s nothing wrong with the intention, meddling too much can prevent your child from building confidence in their own abilities. Let them fall and get back up, let them learn their way around social situations or how to interact with others. Even as babies, they don’t need your constant handholding as much as you think they do.

Final Thoughts

There’s so much more to learn from this book; it's truly a treasure trove of information. Many of the tips made so much sense as soon as I read them, but they had never occurred to me before.

Yes, there are different problems to navigate in Western society that maybe these cultures don’t have to deal with; namely, the use of technology and social media. If we go back to our roots, however, we can find ways to raise kind, helpful kids despite these distractions.

I won’t lie; it’s difficult to imagine myself calmly ignoring my kid if they hit me in the face, especially in public. But sometimes a hug or a tickle does more than a reprimand. It’s a dance that you have to learn and a language that can’t always be taught; sometimes it’s pure intuition. Just remember to stay present and be observant during your parenting journey, and most importantly, to throw out the idea of raising “the perfect kids”.

Rating: 8.5/10

Purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/Hunt-Gather-Parent-Ancient-Cultures/dp/1982149671

If you’ve read Hunt, Gather, Parent, let me know! I’d love to hear what you think about it. Or if you have any book recommendations, feel free to drop them in the comments. Happy reading!